im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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