Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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