her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
