I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
