i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
