Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Randomize
