Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
