i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
