i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
