I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
im six kinds of drunk right now
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
