Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
