you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He has the fingertips of a God
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