Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
