mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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