Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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