im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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