oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
