they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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