Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
