Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
