You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
