He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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