Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
