put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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