my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
