He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
