My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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