just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
