did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
