i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
