Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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