i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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