I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
