my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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