It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
