ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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