i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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