I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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