I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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