All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
