I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
