you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I am naked and annoyed.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
