Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
