I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
