I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
