you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
His hands were made for my vagina.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You are the jesus of drinking
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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