Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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