Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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