i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
