Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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