why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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