idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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