just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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